Supah Jack Deux!
by spookyq42
Summary: Just like Supah Jack, but lemon scented, more sparkly, and shinyer. Has more of a plot, and brand spankin' new characters.
1. Ultra Kate

Now presenting the long awaited, yet slightly surprising, somewhat uncalled for Supah Jack sequel! These first few chapters introduce readers to Ultra Kate, THE ECHO, Des Mahn, and possibly others. Keep hands inside the vehicle at all times, don't panic, read and review, and above all, enjoy!

**SUPAH JACK DEUX**

_The Return of the Twinkies_

With freshly baked characters!

_**ULTRA KATE**_

Kate was enjoying one of her favorite pastimes. It wasn't really a pastime, as she had just discovered it, but who cares?

She was skipping through the jungle. Alone.

(Keep in mind that skipping through the jungle, alone or otherwise, is extremely dangerous, and should not be attempted.)

This time around, she would not be saved by our caped hero, Supah Jack, nor would she be attacked by anything. But this journey would change her forever.

On the jungle floor was an oddly placed doll. "Ha!" she laughed, "I'm not falling for that one again!"

She continued on, and it wasn't long till she found a cellular telephone on a rock. Though it perplexed her, she wasn't going to touch it, but it did something unexpected.

It rang. The ring tone was the Super Mario song. You know, Do do do de da do. Da de do. De da de do. Dododo- yadda yadda yadda.

"Hello?" said Kate as she answered the phone.

There was some deep breathing on the other end.

"Hel_lo_?"

"Do you like waffles?" said a creepy whisper.

"Yeah!" exclaimed Kate, "I like waffles!"

"Do you like…pancakes?"

"Yeah, I like…" she saw a dark object move quickly out of the corner of her eye, "I'm gonna have to call you back," she said nervously, hanging up.

She began moving toward where she saw the thing. Suddenly, an old man with a long Technicolor beard and grey robes jumped out of a tree and landed in front of her!

"AAAAAAHHHHHHGGGGHHHHHHHH!11onewon2345!" she screamed in terror. The man silenced her.

"I have what you asked for," he said calmly.

"Huh?"

"I have," he said, "What you asked for. Do not pretend you do not remember."

"Oh. Oh yeah," she said, afraid of what the man might do if she said she had never seen him before, which was the truth. He handed her a package wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper, which was decorated with images of puppies and kittens, and leaped back into the tree in a single bound.

Kate found her way back to the beach, not at all troubled by her strange encounter. She went back to her tent/hut/home/place to unwrap the package in privet. Underneath the paper were three glowing Twinkies.

Despite the fact they were glowing, she ate all three. She was pretty hungry.

Soon later, she discovered she could shoot water from her hands, and hover a few inches off the ground. She had become Ultra Kate. The note she found in her tent/hut/home/place that night told her so. She ran off to tell Jack.


	2. Harnessing

**THE ECHO**

Like Kate, Eko also enjoyed an occasional stroll in the jungle. Unlike Kate and the other inhabitants of the island, he was in no danger. He had harnessed the supernatural powers of his Jesus Stick, and therefore earned the respect of the jungle and all its bizarre unknown inhabitants, like the old guy from chapter one.

Eko was walking in the jungle, Jesus Stick in hand. He was deep in thought, wondering what the powers of his Stick actually were. Although he had harnessed the powers, he didn't exactly know what they were, nor what they were capable of. He knew he had harnessed them, though. He also wondered how Kate had gotten her powers. Her powers were way cooler than Jack's. Jack's were mostly made up, like Charlie's, except he could fly, and that counted as a power. Kate could shoot water from her hands, fly, and skip better than ever. Jack was jealous.

He walked past a rock with a cell phone on it. He wouldn't have even noticed the phone if it hadn't have rang.

He answered it. "Hello?"

"Hi," said the rather obnoxious and high pitched voice of a woman, "This is Kathy of the United Bank of Belgium's Tapir Industry's Company. I see here that you're a little behind on your payments."

"Yes, sorry. Even if I knew what you're talking about, I wouldn't be able to pay. See, the plane I was on crashed and we're all sort of stuck on this island."

"I-"said Kathy, and the line went dead.

Eko shrugged and continued on the rest of his walk. He found a folded up piece of paper on the ground. Funny how he noticed that and not the phone, eh? Curious, Eko unfolded it. In a large, bold font it said this:

**CONGRADULATIONS **Eko_(His name was hand written.)_

**U HAS HARNESSED TEH POWURZ OV TEH JUNGUL! SENSE U R TEH 1ST 2 DO DIS, WE OV TEH AYLAND SPEELIN && GRAMER CONSILL HAVE REWARDD U WIK TEH POWUR UF _QUANTUM_!111ONEWON22TWOTOTOO333! DIS POWUR IZ SOOOOOOOO KEWL && CANS DU ANYTHIN AND AND RASE UR SELF ESSTEAM ALOTZ WHICH IZ THE KEWLST MUST AWESUM PUWER EVUR. HAS FUUUN!**

**LUVSZ AND LURVE,**

**TEH I-LAND SPELGING AND & GRAMUR COWNCIL.**

As we all know, Quantum is n 1: a discrete amount of something that is analogous to the

quantum in quantum theory

2: (physics) the smallest discrete quantity of some physical

property that a system can possess (according to quantum

theory)

according to the dictionary on Fanfiction. But in this story, it is the ULTIMATE power that can, well, do pretty much anything. Eko knew this. He thought it was pretty nifty. He also knew that he would need a super hero name. He decided to call himself THE ECHO. He wanted to be The Echo, but it was more powerful sounding in caps lock.

He vowed, in the name of God, never to let anyone know of his powers, the Cownsill, or Kathy, least death become him and his cows in a most horrible and treacherous way.

By the next morning, everyone knew the whole story, but he wasn't clear how it happened when he knew for sure he didn't tell anyone.

Heck, he wasn't even sure if the powers were a good thing. But Jack was jealous of the fact that Eko glowed electric blue when he held his Jesus Stick. And that was indeed a good thing.

Replies to Reviews:

Writing Fariy: Remember the Quantum, man. Tell George TTOW for me!

Crookedview: Thanks for the review, glad you like it. Des Mahn will be in one of the next two chapters, hopefully. Remember, only rebelliously skip with a buddy and/or a helmet.

Erin: Thanks!

Mulldy: Do it for Dirtle!


	3. Of Sawyer

Yay for another chapter, not yay for school starting tomorrow. Thanks to **Writing Fairy**, **crookedview**, **an**, **Mulldy**, **kickflipchick**, **Redemption-Isle**, and **Tied Lights** for reviewing! I don't own Lost or Spam, but I never claimed ownership over them, so don't sue or anything. Here we go again…

OF SAWYER

Sawyer didn't like the jungle. He didn't like walking. He didn't like fish sticks. He hadn't been too fond of Kate and Eko, as of late. He didn't like the jungle because there were frogs in it, which he didn't like. He didn't like walking because it made his legs hurt. He didn't like fish sticks because he thought they tasted terrible. He didn't like Kate and Eko, he could just tolerate them being on the Island, but now that they had super powers, he disliked them. He was jealous of them, though he wouldn't admit it.

He wasn't too jealous of Jack and Charlie's powers, though. He was never really convinced that they had any to begin with.

Bottom line, Sawyer wanted super powers, preferably those of Ultra Kate and THE ECHO. Hence, he went to get some. Unfortunately, the only place he knew of to get them was the jungle, his least favorite place on the Island.

Sawyer sulked through the jungle, kicking at rocks, twigs, and the occasional naked mole rat. "I wish _I _could have some powers," he mumbled under his breath, "but _NO_! Only Kate and Eko and Harry Freakin' Potter can have powers. God Spam it! I want some powers!" He yelled the last sentence to the havens, in a very dramatic way.

Just then, there was a rustling in the bushes! Sawyer turned around quickly, even though it was the bush in front of him that was doing the rustling. "Hello?" he called out, "Who's there?"

Suddenly, a small, brown, bread crumb coated object leapt out of the bushes and onto Sawyer's back! IT WAS A FISH STICK! Sawyer screamed out in terror as the microwavable piece of processed sea meat gnawed on his shoulder! He ran, terrified, back to the beach.

It wasn't long before he burst from the trees and on to the sand. He ran to the first person he saw for help.

"Dude," said Hurley, "What's wrong?"

Sawyer babbled something, and attempted to point to his back.

"I don't know what you're saying, man," said Hurley, "Hey! Is that a fish stick?" The fish stick had released Sawyer without his knowing, and had fallen to the ground. Hurley picked it up and ate it.

"HUZZAH!" cheered the people of the Island, "HURLEY HAS SAVED US FROM THE FISH STICK! ALL HAIL OUR NEWEST SUPER HERO!"

Sawyer screamed out in anger, and stomped back to his…place where he lived.

"Dude," Hurley shouted after him, "What is your glitch?"

**Kudos to reviewers, and anyone who can guess where that last line is from!**


	4. More Twinkies

So far all of the installments in this uncalled for sequel has started in the jungle, where many magical things ensued. This shalt be different. It happened before the crash. Think of it as one long flashback.

Jack pushed his squeaky wheeled cart down aisle 8 of his local food store. He was searching diligently for Twinkies. He finally got to the shelf the Twinkies were on. He knew that because of the sign above the shelf that read, "**TWINKIES-BUY 1 GET 2 FREE**" Only one problem. THE TWINKIES WERE MISSING!

"No biggie," thought Jack. He went to customer service.

"May I help you?" asked the nasally voice of the guy at the register.

"Yes," replied Jack, "You can. You see, all of your Twinkies are missing."

"Missing?"

"Yes. They're not here."

"Yeah, I got that."

"Soooooo……Can you help me?"

"Well, what do you want me to do about it? Pull some out of my ass?"

"Look, dude, there's no need to fight about this. All I want is some Twinkies."

"I wasn't being rude. You know where Twinkies come from? We reach inside donkey's mouth, and pull out a box if we run out."

"Oh. I see. Well, can you do that?"

"Ahhh…No."

"No? Wadaya mean '**NO**'?"

"A wizard came and stole the donkey this morning. Sorry, dude. Why did you want the Twinkies this badly?"

"I've got a flight tomorrow. I can never make a full flight without my Twinkies. If I don't, bad things start to happen."

Jack sat in the hatch, very depressed. It was morning. Mornings made him depressed. He stared into his Dharma-O's sadly.

"What's wrong, Jack?" asked Kate.

Jack exploded into tears, and buried his face in Kate's shoulder. "I MISS MY TWINKIES!" he sobbed, soaking her shoulder.

Kate patted him on the back. "There, there," she said, in failed attempts to comfort him.

At that moment, Sawyer came into the room. "Hey," he said happily, "Guess what!"

"You got a promotion?" guessed Kate.

"You made the donkey ball team?" guessed Jack, blowing his nose on a Dharma napkin.

"You know great scrap booking techniques?"

"Michael taught a seal how to dance?"

"Sun knows what happens in the next Harry Potter book?"

"We have a-"

"**_NO!" _**yelled Sawyer, "I found some Dharma Twinkies!"

"OM Freakinbloodyspammin G!" yelled Jack excitedly, "Where are they! TAKE ME TO THEM!"

"Oh, I ate them. Sorry."

:":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":"

**Righto! Thanks to Chelsea, allikat225, Mulldy, and Writing Fairy (b/c I'm bad at spelling names). Über Kudos and some cake to mari12345 for correct guessage ( --- Not a word) of the "Dude, what is your glitch" quote. I totally need a shirt that says that. The line waws indeed from Psych. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one watching it.  
**


	5. Apples, Bananas and Math

Kate was hungry. Really hungry. EXTREAMLY hungry. You just won't believe how totally, utterly, completely, stomach gurgulingly hungry she was. I mean, she was siriusly hungry. Ravenous. Starving, even!

Normally, she would have gone down to the hatch, and she would've eaten an Apollo bar. Apollo, btw, was the god of… Crap, I forgot; I even had a quiz on the today! Annnyway, Kate was in this whole "Yay für healthy foods!" hunter-gatherer stage, and Apollo bars weren't healthy. Nor were Dharma fish crackers, Dharma O's, or any other Dharma product. So, being the slow person she is in this fanfic, she went to the jungle for some bananas.

Banana trees can grow to over 10 feet. The ones in the jungle were that, at least. Kate, on the other hand, was not. The said trees, they probably aren't, but they look difficult and/or uncomfortable to climb. She stood, looking up at the coveted yellow fruit, wondering how she could get them down.

"What'er you doing?" asked Charlie, who was randomly walking by.

"Trying to get a banana down. Do you know how?"

"No, sorry," answered Charlie. "And there's no use trying to get me to climb the tree. It seems difficult and/or uncomfortable to do. But hey, now I'm hungry for bananas, too. Mind If I stay here and help you think?"

"No, you can stay. Thanks."

After fifteen minutes, Jack came by. "It smells like SOMEONE could use a HERO!" he declared heroically.

"Funny," commented Charlie, "I thought it stank of our failure in getting a certain yellow cresant shaped fruit that the author is tired of spelling."

"I want it to smell like bananas," grumbled Kate.

"Pftt," scoffed Jack, with an "I can't believe you guys can't figure this out!" tone.

"Well, then, Mister Smarty-pants, what do we do? Since it's obviously so bloody simple."

"Well, it is!" Jack defended himself, 'We did this all the time in medical school. It really is easy. See, if the tree is forming an angle between the trunk's curve and the ground. Now, we represent that angle with '3X'. We get three because that's the number we want, since I'm hungry, too. Next, we'll have to build a sundial. I'll just fix this stick into the ground annnnd…It's about 3:27. Now, we divide that by 3, and we find that x equals 1.09, move the decimal over, and the measure of our angle is 109 degrees. Celsius, not Fahrenheit, if you get my drift. Haha. Now, all we have to do now is bend the tree approximatly 20.4999875 degrees Celsius. Then, the bananas should fall to our other-worldly powers willingly. Doi."

Kate and Charlie stared at him blankly. Charlie blinked.

"God, you two are stoooooped. I should call y'all 'Stu 1' and 'Stu 2', cuz you are S-T-E-W-P- umm… I forgot how to spell it. Here, eat these super powered mega apples and you'll unferstand."

The two ate the apples. "You know," said Charlie, "maybe it's the sun and heat getting to me, but that actually makes sense!"

In the end, they threw coconuts at the tree to get the bananas down.

**_MORAL_**- Apples is brain food.

Thanks to hersheygal, allikat225, Jackie-O, Krychek, and Byres for reviewing. You last three know who you are. At least, two thirds of you do.


	6. Guinea Pigs!

It was night. Charlie had a stomach ache from eating all those apples and bananas, and a headache from Jack's math lesson.

Unable to sleep with these ailments, he decided to take a walk along the beach. He had had insomnia before whilst on the island, and taking a walk had always helped. He had, before, fallen asleep while walking, and Jack had found him the next morning and thought he had died. This time, though, it had been three minutes, and the camp was already out of sight, and, getting tired, Charlie decided he would head back, to escape a repeat of the previously mentioned incident.

"Squeak!" went something in a bush not five feet away.

"Ahhh!" screamed Charlie. Out of curiosity, he decided to see what it was. He was, after all, a super hero, and so if anything dangerous were to attack him, he could beat the fortune cookies out of it with his fists of fury. He peered into the bushes.

"I've named then David and Gillian," said a tired, yet very proud Charlie, showing Jack and Kate a pair of guinea pigs. One (David) was a deep purple, and the other (Gillian) was a bright fire hydrant red.

"Great," said Jack, "As Official Supah Hero and therefore Dictator of the Island, I say you can keep them."

"Yay!" cheered Charlie.

Kate looked mad. "That's great, only I was up all night with a headache because of Jack's math, and I remembered that Eko could've used his Super Magic Jesus stick of Justice to shoot down the bananas!"

Jack was disappointed by this, as was Eko. Jack because no one liked his math lesson, Eko (who wasn't there) because he didn't get a banana.

"So," said Charlie, "I had an idea about David and Gillian. See, I read somewhere that guinea pigs could be domesticated. Here's my plan. I train David and Gillian to plow and/or gnaw down trees like beavers. Then, we breed them, so that they're offspring are born with the ability to plow. We make a giant plow and leashes for them all, so that my Guinea Pig army and I can-"

Jack cut him off. "Vanquish all evil from the jungle, like a colorful fist of justice! I like it! Now if you'll excuse me, Hurley has a villainess jar of pickles he needs me to open." Hero business was slow at this point in time.

ONE MONTH LATER

It was sort of easy for Charlie to teach his guinea pigs how plow. He had constructed plows for them out tooth picks, Dharma toothpaste, and floss he had found in a Dharma dental kit that no one seemed to be using. Soon, David and Gillian had plowed a whole new square foot for Sun's garden.

It wasn't long Charlie had a whole pack of colorful guinea pigs with names like Jan, Tom, Allison, and Ben. They reminded the other Islanders of Beanie Babies. Charlie spent two weeks creating a full sized plow and about one hundred tiny leashes for his pint sized rainbow plowing pals.

Finally, the big day came. Charlie was psyched. He woke a three am, and by five he had secured each plower in a tiny harness, with David and Gillian at the lead.

He was about to climb into the seat he had attached to the back of the plow when Jack approached him. "Gotcha a pressie," he stated as dramatically as he could. He held forth a whip, with which to lead the guinea pigs.

Charlie snapped it over the heads of the guinea pigs. It made a delightful cracking sound that made him feel like Indiana Jones, a rather cool person in his book. He climbed behind the plow.

"On David! On Gillian! On Ben, Pam, and Rick!" he said loudly.

Nobody moved. Not David, not Gillian, not Ben, Pam, or Rick.

"MUSH!" he cried louder, "Mush like the wind, Guinea Pigs of Justice!"

The Guinea Pigs of Justice would not obey him.

"GO!"

An orange one nibbled a leaf.

"Aw, come ON! What do you want from me? _I_ took care of you! _I_ raised you! _I _feed and trained you! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"

"Apples," said a green one in a very Furby-like voice.

"Apples," said a few more.

"APPPLES!" commanded the whole herd.

"**WHAT DO THEY WANT?**" yelled Jack over the noise.

"Apples!" Charlie screamed back over the chanting.

"**BUT WE ATE ALL OF THEM YESTERDAY WHEN WE WERE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE MATH!**"

"NEVER FEAR!" said a voice.

"GASP!" said Jack and Charlie in unison, "It's Desmahn!"

"Yes!" said Desmond (now _Desmahn_ with powers), "Tis I! I come to rid you of the furry menace! Fear not; I've seen this seven times in my job as a plumber/ghost hunter!"

He ran towards the ocean waving a white towel behind him. The guinea pigs hopped after him, still chanting. Once they got into the water they exploded.

"Oh NOES!" yelled Charlie. "Desmond iz ded!"

**(A/N)_ OR IS HE_! Ok, this is like, four pages long, and officially the longest SJ ever. Thanks to Max, Jackie-O, Chelsea, and allikat225 for reviewing. Peace out!**


	7. 196 PLANT

**A/N: Ok, ok. I know it's been a while since I've updated, and I apologize. Its been so long, in fact, that when I wrote this chapter, I forgot that I killed off Des Mahn (or did I?). Well, Des Mahn's not dead, and I'll revisit that in the net chapter, as I want to get this one up first. ALSO I know the hatch exploded and that Eko's dead, but they'll still appear here.**

It was a boring day in the hatch, and Charlie's turn to hit the button. There were 107 minutes (and counting) until he had to actually do this. And the clock was going slower than a dead snail caught in tar.

Jack was bored, too. So bored, in fact, that he had taken up reading _To Kill a Mockingbird_. He hated it.

Just as Charlie was aboutto pull his hair out in frustration and Jack about to rip_ Mockingbird_ in half with his bare hands, Kate came rushing in.

"Hey, guys! Guess what!" she said excitedly.

"What?" replied Jack and Charlie in unison.

"I found a mysterious room! Wanna go check it out?"

"I've got 106 minutes with nothing better to do. Sure," answered Charlie.

"Jack? You coming?"

Jack threw his book over his shoulder. It hit one of those random people who went with Locke and Charlie to find Eko in last week's episode in the head. "Whatever.'

The door to the mysterious room was at the end of a long, dark hallway. There was a small sign on the wall beside the door. '196' it read. And below that: 'PLANT'.

"What do you reckon's in there?" wondered Jack aloud.

"Besides a plant?" replied Charlie.

Kate opened the door and flipped the light switch. A dim light bulb in the center of the ceiling illuminated most of the room. It was empty except for a long conference table that was made of dark polished wood. There were no chairs to match it, and in the middle of the table was a solitary stone pot. The pot held a small, leafy plant.

The trio let this all sink in. It was truly a bizarre sight.

"Uhhh…Oh…kay," commented a rather disappointed Charlie. He was expecting something a bit more interesting. Like giant Gummi Bears.

"ROAR!!" bellowed the plant. A long vine came out of it, and wrapped around Kate and Charlie, pulling them inside. Another one sprouted, and quickly slammed the door in Jack's face.

Jack didn't know what to do. He began pacing. The plant looked dangerous, and hungry. It might eat Kate or Charlie! But Jack hadn't a clue how to stop it with out getting himself grabbed. There would be no one to save them, since no one else knew about the room. They would be doomed.

Suddenly, Jack stopped pacing. A smile spread across his face. He had a plan.

Jack hurried to the kitchen. He taped two cookie sheets to himself; one on his chest, and the other slapped awkwardly across his back. He placed a bowl on his head, and a strainer on his face. He put a spatula in his pocket, and a knife in his hand. One thing was missing. His _To Kill a Mockingbird_. Now dressed and armed, Jack returned to room 196. He kicked the door in attempts to knock it down. It didn't work. He used the handle instead.

The plant roared at him.

"'Ello, beastie," he announced.

Before the plant could grab him, Jack threw his book at it. The plant recoiled in horror, and spat Kate and Charlie out. They were still wrapped in a thick vine. Jack closed the door hurriedly, and dragged his friends down the hallway. They were just out of the hallway when room 196 exploded.

"Hurray!" cheered Kate and Charlie as Jack hacked away at the vine with his knife. They were free in no time. And yet another boring day in the hatch continued.


	8. Return of Des Mahn

**A/N: This one's a bit of a quickie (like I have long ones), but an update's an update. Thanks for all the reviews from the last two chapter! I'd thank you all personally, but I was given a time limit.  
**

It had been five minutes sense anyone had been able to see Desmond, so he was presumed dead. Everyone was sad, Charlie most of all because his Great Guinea Pig Plan (GGPP) had failed. While the group of people on the beach shed a tear, Charlie shed many. Locke pulled a trumpet out from behind his back, and began playing Taps as loudly as he could.

"Could you play something a bit more cheerful?" asked a Scottish voice. It belonged to Des Mahn, who walked out of the water , a glowing light surrounding him. The people cheered. "What happened in the ocean?" asked Jack.

"I'll tell you," said Des Mahn casually, pointing at Locke as he said, "Hit it, John!" Locke began to play an upbeat tune on his trumpet, and Des Mahn began to sing:

"I went in the water

Didn't know how to swim

I'm Des Mahn

Yeah, Des Mahn

The Guinea Pigs exploded, and so did I

I'm Des Mahn

Yesh, I'm Des Mahn

I went to Guinea Pig Heaven, and bargained for my life sayin, 'I ain't no G Pig!

I'm Des Mahn!'

Fo' Sirius (Black) Ya'll"

The inhabitants stood in awe. "Was it that good?" wondered Des Mahn.

"No, actually, it reminded me of a Gap commercial," commented Kate, "In a bad way."

"I'm jealous of our hops and grooves, Des Mahn," Jack complained.

Don't worry, Jack, you'll get your theme song soon enough.

**A/N: That's all you get for now! Peace, Love, and Gap, errbody!**


End file.
